I Love You,

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Damn, exams are next week! & I haven't been studying. SA1 somemore. I'm so going to NA next year. Haha, I know, "nice" way to start a post with profanities? -SMILES
This Sunday is my brother's bday! Everybody curse him to die early okay?? Mawhawhaw.
Jokinggg.
Oh y'know. I hate Mrs Vincent. She's one blardy tool. TSK! I handed up a very late work & when she returned to me she said, "Well, Yuan May, I'm glad you did your work finally." Then I grabbed the paper from her hands & glared at her before waltzing back to my seat. SUCH A _____! I took revenge by making sure to sleep during her 2 periods of Lit. haha -.- sorry
Our class outside is being what's-that-word by millipedes!
SO GROSS OKAY. From my class' staircase till the lockers to the ceilings are filled with fucking black tiny millipedes! Even typing it's name freaks me out. I don't know why the principal is not doing anything with it. So everytime when recess or when we forget to take our books from the locker, we'll have to tiptoe & watch the ground for those fuckers. But I think they helped me a lot. Because I always leave my day's periods book inside my locker then I'll ask the 'cher whether I can go take it from my locker. hah!
Okay, so exams are coming. Have you all been studying? I wish you people more brain cells! Don't knock your head or even smack it. Koz you'll lose 100 000 brain cells. REALLY. I think I keep knocking my head when I was young, because now I'm fucking stupid.
So, I'm hoping I can stick to my rules - to stay at home this week & study REEEEEEAL hard & try not to fall asleep in class.
This is my first time, you see. hahhaa
I'm getting real irritated by some people. I don't know if I can last 2 fucking years in that class mann.
I have to murder someone soon.

I was reading "My Life As A Murder" & I loved this part A LOT. Besides the lovelove parts.
I pushed myself, running faster than I've ever run before, and that was fast. I didn't expect to reach civilization, but I could get lost in the thickness of the trees pretty easily. They would eventually find me somehow, so I wasn't worried about the dying out here part. I just didn't want to do those damn trust falls. Well, technically if I stayed, I still wouldn't but I would look like an idiot, freaking out because I couldn't fall backwards into someone's arms.
It got dark quickly, but I wasn't tired yet. Running kept my endurance up. I was getting wet, and my sweatshirt was weighing me down. I contemplated taking it off and leaving it, but it might leave a trail. After a little bit, I decided I didn't care. I was going too slow. So I wrestled out of my sweatshirt and plopped it on the ground, not stopping.
The landscape started to change. It wasn't so well gardened anymore. The trees were wild and the ground was getting muddier. I grinned, loving how it felt like I was in one of my fantasy books.
I started skipping a bit, laughing out loud, loving how no one could here me. Sometimes being lost was bliss. It was like being invisible. This new spirit gave me a burst of energy and I sprinted forward as fast as my body would let me, almost falling forward from the perpetual motion. I relished the strain on my muscles.
I slid to the ground, squishing the mud between my fingers. My body was exhausted, and shaking. I was grinning, and panting. It was like I just had an orgasm with Mother Nature or the universe. Just everything in its beingness.
I clamped my eyes shut, silently laughing at my own insanity. Like I was some peace-loving tree-hugger. But that's what it felt like.
I slipped onto my stomach, into the mud. Then rolled over onto my back, stretching in opposite directions. My hands for the North, and my feet for the South. I made a mud angel, and then picked up some mud and smooshed my face in my hands. I shrieked in delight, kicking at the puddles forming.
I forgot everything that had ever happened in my entire life. I didn't feel like Noel Dior. Girl who murdered, girl whose parents hated her. Girl whose foster life was miserable. Girl who was raped, girl who was beaten, girl who was stabbed, girl who nobody liked. The girl that wasn't loved. The girl who was sent to Torrel's. The girl who couldn't do trust falls.
I felt like the mud I was rolling around in. I felt like I was part of it, and it accepted me and loved me. The feeling was phenomenal. It was like being born anew.
And I never thought just running out in the rain, in the middle of fucking nowhere could do this to you.
I peeled off my socks and shoes, squishing the mud between my toes. I could barely see anything, what with the water going in rivulets down my face, and my hair sticking to it. I didn't care though.
I stood up, feeling like a feather. Like I could run as fast as the wind. Pass it even. I threw my hands in the air, feeling a good gust rush past me. I didn't even notice the cold. I felt another gust, and decided to catch up with it. I started running, but slipped on the mud, slamming to the ground and sliding to a stop, turning slightly. I burst out laughing, slapping my hands on the ground, loving it all the same.
Thunder grumbled above and I looked up, only to get rain in my eyes. I blinked repeatedly, hoping to see the sky, like my eyelids were windshield wipers. I stood up, and ran around in circles, swirls, and completely nowhere. The thunder banged again, a lot louder this time, and I shrieked in utter pleasure.
I didn't know how long I was out there, enjoying the rain, enjoying being part of something bigger that loved me, that loved being with me. I enjoyed the complete isolation, which was rare since I didn't like being alone. It reminded me that I was always going to be alone. But right here, right now, it didn't feel like it. It felt like the mud, and the grass, and the trees, was alive. Alive like I was alive. I didn't feel alone because they were there. This was the best therapy anyone could get. But I didn't think it would work for anyone. That is why this is so special, because only I can feel this feeling at this moment in time, at this place, with no one else.
I crouched low, squatting in the rain, then jumped up, arms and legs spread out wide, screaming. My mouth was so wide in a smile it hurt. I truly felt free

7:10 PM